On Frozen Dreams.

On frozen dreams.

Have you ever felt like you were meant for something, and that you'd make it by all means?

And you put your heart and soul into each word, crafting the application with utmost authenticity.

And then you wait.

You shuttle between the website and calendar checking dates, deadlines for the call to arrive

It doesn't one day.

It doesn't the next.

You wait with hope but somewhere on that thread, it mingles with despair.

It minces your belief , and you wonder under a dark light.

Did I just fall again?

You fall into yearning for it with desperateness because you cannot fail.

You've failed big moments in something that you struggled with, at the Architectural Internship.

But not this.

This is supposed to be easy 

This is supposed to be something I'm excellent at

Don't people love my words?

Doesn't it touch lives and hearts?

My letters and blogs most often make them smile, and it hits home.

But not this time, I guess

It didn't reach

Or perhaps there were too many writers, from all of South Asia 

I mean I felt like I had arrived, but I didn't really.

I felt ready but I guess I was scared of failing beneath those thoughts of what if I don't make it , nasty what ifs.

I wanted it so badly that I wasn't open to receiving it.

I really wanted to make it.

I'd imagine writing letters on postcards with bluish orange sunsets of the Himalayas and handing it out to my best friends saying, your best friend made it to the top ten writers selected for the Himalayan Emerging Writers Residency.

And them breaking out into something loud, a little joyous laughter and my precious crowd , all giving me a big hug.

This whole thing was a big hug from the universe in my dreams. It was cathartic to imagine.

I dreamt it fiercely.

But as I am learning the lessons of belief, new self concept and mindfulness, I probably didn't hit ~submit with alignment.

I did it in a flash. For real.

I know I felt aligned while writing each of those answers, but somehow the submit button went beyond my senses.

It got clicked. It just happened in a weird quick moment.

And then I felt incomplete.

I over thought if I missed a thing or two in the Google form.

I hadn't ; but you know, mind games.

And my game of waiting continued.

I even prayed for this thing to work. I usually don't ask God for specific things. I pray for strength ,peace and happiness and love, all the intangibles.

But this thing made me ask God for it to happen. I prayed with a frown? With crushing hope.

The waiting continued for more than a month.

Between that dip when faith was fluttering, I found Kartika's book.

~12 life lessons

And they were really good.

I read a lot of lines and a lot in life started making sense.

The world is you pushed out.

You are the reason for your experiences. You are the one creating conditions of your life.

You don't have anxiety attachment, you are inviting abandonment by stating and believing that I have the fear of being replaced

And then that one line, which gave me more hope when I needed it.

The power of last minutes. The magic that can occur till the very last minute.

It was then, three days to the deadline I guess

I had to get that call by then

And I just sat with belief.

Under a roof that somehow had flaky cracks that time and waiting had brought.

My belief wasn't untouched.

I kept getting mixed up with the noises. With energy that wasn't serving me.

I felt grainy, I felt beaten and I allowed it into my room.

And by then, these classes happened.

And even in class, I'd be so confused the first week. I didn't know if I had to manifest money and abundance or being selected for this Fellowship. The big dream.

And then I learnt,

Concepts of breaking belief, new self concept, believing that the goal of life is joy.

And really, feeling that abundance within.

Feeling high on life, and laughing like a little child.

I have struggled with ~Am I enough for a long time since school, and for the first time in a long time, I am feeling ~ I am abundant.

I am smiling more wide. So wide. 

I am extremely confident. Again.

I am fierce. 

I feel secure because I know the universe is taking care of me. And that anything can happen, magic happens.

I guess this whole episode of not making it there (yet, because you never know if you're on the waiting list.) came to me with grace.

I didn't throw tantrums.

Or weep.

Or rant in my best friend's DM.

I am sad of course but I guess I'm observing this disappointment and how my mind is reacting.

I felt heavy, so blocked , gave into judgements, fears and the lack of a spark for the last three days.

But then, this class is doing something to me. Transforming my core.

It's really really helping me break out into a more fierce beautiful being, just the way I had imagined during that pulling phase of internship.

And there's that hope that is expanding you know, I am a badass person, I am beautiful, I am loving, I am kind and just really a fucking beautiful bestfriend to myself and the ones I love.

So I guess I had to start writing to give closure to myself, on not making it.

But it's not a full stop, it's a comma. Deep down I genuinely feel the universe will make way for me to breathe the mountain air. Sooner or later.

Somehow. 

Maybe someone will back down and they'll rank up my name?

Or I will make more than enough money to experience that retreat by choice.

But I know I'll experience that in my life.

I wanted to write this on a postcard that would celebrate what's ahead but nevertheless, I know something magical and big is around the corner.

I will never forget this moment where I was telling Shaank "I really hope I make it."

And he said, you will.

With certainty and so much faith in me. And I felt so held that day.

But when I reminisce that, a lesson lies folded in what I said.

It shouldn't have been  ~I hope I'll make it

It should have been I will make it, watch me rock it.

Not if, it's when.

My self worth was below ground when I applied for this.

I had kept this whole thing undisclosed because it was my belief that I'll make it when it's not spoken about, based on past experiences like RTF and LIXIL

(And that was too hard for someone like me too, to keep it a little secret)

I got a lot of lessons from this.

On faith, belief, holding onto the belief till the very end without allowing it to derail your energy, and the main big thing. 

Universe is a magnifier, an amplifier of your own energy.

And I did notice that shift when I worked on my energy 

A lot of goodness, good encounters coming my way when I harness love and peace and abundance.

I wanted to, I guess prove it to myself, all while bagging a chance to travel and live a life away from home and experience cultures and connections for just enough time to not get homesick.

I wanted to have that big moment and celebrate what I am good at after having lived a deep abyss the past semester.

I wanted to get shortlisted for this fellowship and succeed in this to reclaim my self worth in my own eyes.

I didn't win the fellowship, but I reclaimed my self worth larger than I have ever felt. 

I can feel it, I am not a part of the universe, I am the universe itself.

And I am not just enough, I am abundant.

I am worthy of magic and ease.

And in this moment, even though the mail didn't come in, I feel arrived. 

Love.

Vajj

(Image courtesy- Dan Carmichael)