On Stupidity.
It's been a day where my body, mind and soul have woken up after quite a hibernation last week. I was oddly tired, fatigued and re-energizing in silence.
Today seemed better, felt like the winter sun when I woke up- gently warming up to the day. I was home alone and had to make my own lunch.
I was kind of stalling it as I was more interested in making a kit list of my journey ahead.
And when I finally stepped into the kitchen to cook- I had an incident today that made me step back, pause, look at my stupidity, my absolute humanness and laugh at it.
There was a simple curd rice recipe that my best friend had suggested and my sister aced- it was a curd rice variation. Stirred with a fry of onion, garlic, mango ginger, cucumber, salt and chilli powder - all mixed with curd and rice. Absolutely delicious.
Easy, simple, I got to chopping.
I added a bit of oil, mustard and sauteed green chillies, onion and garlic one by one. And now it was time to add a bit of chilli powder, when I picked the box- the spoon was missing.
I didn't want to add a freshly washed wet spoon, so I thought I could manage a tilt
Tilt and little more and OOPS, almost eight spoons of chilli powder thumped into this kadai
It was red, glaring, smirking, I paused. I put the stove on low flame and I really stepped back.
As if I was stealthily walking away from a crime scene.
This pool of red in that wok- a voice within me said DO NOT eat that. It's excessive amounts of chilli powder.
I turned off the stove,
Mixed curd rice in another bowl and added just one tiny wisp of the catastrophe I’d made
Even that little pinch was unbearably spicy for someone with a high spice tolerance.
I ate. I ate in silence and I ate quickly like I wanted this episode to end as soon as possible.
I was feeling stupid.
As much as my best friend pulls my leg and calls me dumb, I’ve never truly felt that way.
Today- I FELT stupid. I felt dumb. Almost like I hadn't done a stupid thing ever that made me laugh- like this one did.
And I just sat with it.
I watched myself feeling so yoooo you dumbfuck Vajj.
And I laughed.
And at some random point when I was sharing this with my bestfriend, he said
"I mean that's why we are human"
And that's when I realised WOW. THAT IS WHY WE ARE HUMAN.
The way he casually said it did something to me, something so profound.
For an undiagnosed perfectionist like me, I have always done everything with perfection.
Looking back at life so far too, I walked through each day and year like there was only one direction - yup the correct one.
I've been in this indescribable carriage of always doing the right thing, being in the right lane and walking towards brilliance like there was no other way ahead.
Year after year, institution after institution, I gave my best and always walked out with a big win and grin.
It's not that I didn't have fun through it all- I did, I did most of it effortlessly like it was innate and some of it with a lot of effort(-architecture, I’ll always be grateful though), but always had an end destination and love for brilliancy
Best student award in 1st grade (wow), being chosen for every dance for a decade, 10 CGPA while leaving school in 10th grade, literary secretary in 12th grade, Best Mentor in Lixil Mentorship in undergrad, Editorial Intern at RTF , Student Leader at Under 25, Best Thesis in Architecture, Best best best best best of all worlds- this incessant love for mastery, for legacy and being brilliant. Top 1% in every room I go- None of this came with a crushing weight or parental pressure or wanting to prove something to someone. I loved being on stage and hated being just another person in the crowd and that morphed into a love for brilliance. It all came from inspiration. I love being impeccable and it is beautiful.
However- this wiring in my brain left no space for stupidity. No room to be wrong or at fault or just fuck up
No stupid mistakes
No stupid choices- especially the ones that could enrage my parents - NOPE
No stupid anything
Anything stupid I have experienced or lived through has always been a co-created mischief and nothing of my own. Prank calls in scout camps- with friends. Leaving some glue on a desk before a guy sat on it- again, with friends. 100 Paper-ball fight in a classroom- with friends. Bunking for eons in the name of dance practice- again with friends. OKAY- I guess I have experienced a little bit of stupidity but none of it fully escaped from me alone. Not entirely mine.
Everything in my life has been like the ocean and poetry- vast, naturally deep, profound and absolutely meaningful.
Architecture for five years doubled down on this trait and definitely drilled in precision and perfection and rigidity in corners where a little stupidity could probably live on.
This is definitely an overachiever realising that not everything needs to be achieved, some can pass, some can be released and some can just be lived, bombed, witnessed and ruthlessly spilled.
And very recently - through the beautiful art of improv and incidents like chilli powder slipping out- I am embracing the other side.
A lightness, humour that does not need to land, jokes that walk out of random words I chose to gush out, spontaneity, stupidity and absolute child-like excitement at its peak- NO NOT the inner child kind- the child that is actually more outer than inner.
Letting words with no meaning swish out into a tune that takes me somewhere- singing my heart out with no apparent meaning-words streaming out by itself in the safety of solitude, dancing tf out to blaring music, adding my bit to a scene-building in a workshop and unexpectedly landing on a room’s collective sigh, applause and a smiling pause.
Being a child on the outside. Playing improv games with a group of strangers I just met- and getting lost in a rumble of laughter. Play. Being no one. Being everyone. Wow, improv theatre is beautiful and it's a new journey that has chosen me.
Last week I attended an improv basics workshop and I learnt two very important things and I want to share it with you all-
1)As we began, Rashmi-our facilitator led a circle of strangers. She said “Look on your left shoulder, there is a grinchy green turtle. Pick it up, hold it in your palm and listen to what it's saying.” Everyone had their hands held out, with this turtle saying mean things about themselves and others, and each time someone shared that voice- there was a nodded agreement or plus one by the others.
“I am not funny.
I am so uncomfortable because this is new.
I am going to bomb on stage.
I am weird.
I cannot improvise.”
These were some of the sentences the group shared- it was like a collective sigh to let these out and then she said; for the next two hours; let's leave the turtle aside. There was no pressure to completely let go of this or just release it out, she simply said don't make him work on his holiday for just two hours.
2)Then, she pulled out an imaginary card and called it the COOL CARD, she described hers with the most unique design and the entire crowd went ooh. And the activity was for everyone to design this spontaneously and describe this card and with each answer, the crowd was in awe and applauded, the designs ranged from brown paw prints, yellow paint squiggles, shooting stars, nature, waterfall and just any element that spoke most to them, that felt like them. When the last person was done sharing- she said; now THIS is the COOL CARD- we dont need this one, this is the one that makes you overthink, want to sound cool or smart or intellectual- fuck this shit. Tear down the cool card and leave it behind- we don't need jokes that make a crowd laugh, we just need lines that will take the scene forward.
And this was so deeply moving- it exactly mirrors life as well- something so human and embedded like the self-critical voice and need to sound right or cool voice- quietly placed out of in the most assuring way.
And just like that- she created a space where everyone belonged, everyone was at ease, everyone was free to say whatever the fuck they wanted and everyone was a child.
Doing, being and embodying silly whimsy and absolute stupidity.
It was an extremely impish thing to let myself pour chilli powder into a kadai without a spoon- but it left me feeling extremely human. It left me connecting more with the side that can fuck up- and feeling undeniably closer to myself. Like a hug that I didn't know this version of me needed, like a realisation of just witnessing a side that I didn't know existed.
I feel so free-
For having faltered
For having made a mistake
For having fun while looking at the mistake
For adulting with hiccups
For living with incidents where I had to throw away everything I made
For lessons on not being perfect in every situation but finding perfection in each passing, smirking, toppling absolutely stupid moment.
I was having one of those days where I was more human than practiced perfection, and it made me think -what was the last thing that showed you your stupidity? I'd love to know all the little stories that make us human.
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