Blue.

I am a small human dipped in a tub full of blue paint.
Feeling a different blue every single day.
Jolting up and below like a crazy ball on a trampoline
Exhaustively out of control.
To one end corner, to the other diagonal
Shooting up high and collapsing smiles.

Somedays
It's a bright blue.
I sleep with a wide smile, for I have people that make me feel loved and find me beautiful.
Best Friends who forgive me even though we haven't talked talked lately.
There are days when im just sitting on my best friends penthouse terrace, with her dog tied away because im afraid.
A group of seven friends with one missing, forming an asymmetrical tangram.
Humans that seem to be made of laughter,
Pain hidden like that annoying meme page.
Spilling out the truths, and the darkest side of them
Believing that it will camouflage with the darker night.

Then there's a pale light blue that makes me feel light.
When they tell me I have a whole different vibe.
When they tell me they can pour their hearts out only to me.
When they tell me im bloody prioritized.
When they tell me I am enough.
It feels beyond beautiful and I thank the universe with all my heart.

Somedays, it's a bluish-grey.
Lately, my favourite colour.
I wake up to my mother yelling because its almost noon already.
What do I do to fix my cycle, I wake up late and it feels very normal.
I snap, they snap and it repeats like a broken cassette.
My skin feels like a layer of cold ice melting into I don't knows.
With me trying to catch every falling piece and save my world that is crumbling down.
Living in so much denial, that I don't even cry.
All of my best friends going through so much pain, it hurts to see them hurting.
But then we push it aside and move on.
Many many reasons or no reason at all, I do not know.
I don't know how to deal with the subject I failed.
I don't know how to deal with the habits I hate.
I wish I could transport it to a world where returning is banned.
Overthinking.
Procrastination.
Anger.
Anxiety.
I wish people could bully up against these habits instead of those meek children.

Then there is the deep dark blue.
The blue I feel while im dealing with deaths.
And thoughts that create deep cuts.
Not knowing how to react and being insensitive obliviously.
And then feeling guilty, and crying from my gut.
Feels terrible.
Something haunts me and I learn to get over it by apologizing.
First, inside my head.
Then on paper.

I've hated numbers.
I don't even keep track of days, dates and time these days.
It's always been words and colours.
Poetry, stories and everything emotions.
Handling my emotions is like collecting a thunderstorm in a thousand inverted umbrellas
Kept aligned in a line
Just the way you pick me up and align me with reality.
You are my mirror that reflects sense.
You are family.

I am the same colour
Yet I still paint every day.
BLUE
The same colour E V E R Y D A Y .
But
Deep inside, im a little happy.
because I've painted all my people with different shades of blue.
Painted oceans and the universe on their souls.
Turned them into smiles and poetry; something that is full of life.
And I sleep with a small smile believing that it made their lives easier.
Particularly when they felt, like an anchor that was floating away.

And then on another day, we'll write about another colour.
~Vajj©